Michael Lynche
Song: “Miss You”
Verdict: Disco Ducky
Big Mike is coming off the deafening buzz from last week’s gender-bending “This Woman’s Work,” so obviously he was going to pick a song from the Stones’ Some Girls album. It was smart for an R&B dude to take the Rolling Stones disco tune, though I’m not so sure it was smart to inject said song with Michael Jackson grunts, sing the words “I want to kiss you” to a pit of 14-year-old girls and jump around like a giant bear being swarmed by bees. But his voice cut through the full band arrangement, so points there. And his pre-performance package made him even more likeable, as if that were even possible. Take a cute baby (watch your backs, Babysox and Baby Garcia), a supportive munchkin of a wife, a deceased mom who inspired Mike to take up music and put them in a magic pink blender operated by a koala and BAM - you get a smoothie of precious. (And that’s precious, not “Precious.” The “Precious” smoothie ingredients include stolen fried chicken and Mariah Carey’s mustache.) When Simon called out Big Mike’s dance moves as being “corny” and “desperate,” Seacrest got all in Cowell’s face, to which Simon sniffed, “We can sort this out in my trailer afterwards if that’s what you like.” Hahahomophobia! [Crickets.]

Didi Benami
Song: “Play With Fire”
Verdict: Smokin’ Hot
Didi debuted a new look for Rolling Stones week: A stank-faced Jersey mallrat from the ’80s! Go back and check out at her outfit again, folks. The ponytail pulled to one side, the lacey tank top with weathered jeans, the angry “Don’t you dare buy the same fuschia prom dress from Contempo Casuals as me” snarl. The girl was one scrunchie and two cans of AquaNet away from being Kevin Smith’s childhood girlfriend.


I don’t mean to take away from her ferocious performance. “Play With Fire” gave Didi an exciting edge that had been missing from the emotional crooner. Too bad she got all “Nell” on the third verse, singing, “Old burp tooka diamonds and tiaras by the score. Now he Tourette’s a kicks in snidney, knocks bridge alamore!” Can you blame her for getting distracted? While she was performing with an intensity that burned through my TV screen, the audience swayed like they were part of a Time Life “Songs 4 Worship” commercial. Ugh! (Also ugh: When Benami pretty much hiccuped during the final note. No wonder Mommy Benami is too nervous to watch her daughter sing live.)

After the judges gave Didi rave reviews, Seacrest asked if Siobhan, her roommate, was rubbing off on her. (Imagine if he had asked Kris the same question about his roomie, Adam. The “Idol” Internet would have exploded.) Didi insisted that she has grown some tough skin from living in Los Angeles. This tough skin grew in a week’s time, because during the semi-finals Didi was acting like another Rolling Stones song: “19th Nervous Breakdown.”

Casey James
Song: “It’s All Over Now”
Verdict: It Might Be Over
Casey James’ pre-performance package was so over-the-top that my buddies Kenny and Brendan instantly direct messaged me: “Lilly Tomlin to play Casey James’ mother in the made for TV movie ‘Touched in Texas: The Cool Boy Has Seizures.’” I can’t top that. I won’t even try.

You know who else won’t bother trying? Casey James. “It’s All Over Now” - a song written by Bobby and Shirley Womack and merely covered by the Rolling Stones, which makes Seacrest’s “singing from the Jagger/Richards songbook” assertion a boldfaced lie - goofily smiled through the country-rock tune (when he wasn’t looking down at his guitar to make sure he wasn’t messing up). Like Big Mike, Casey sounded better than he looked. Randy compared him to Jonny Lang, Ellen made a failed lesbian joke, Kara called him a rock star and Simon called it an “audition performance.” Guess which judge didn’t make me roll my eyes?

Lacey Brown
Song: “Ruby Tuesday”
Verdict: Farewell Wednesday
I haven’t kept my love for Lacey Brown much of a secret. Her audition and Hollywood week performances were two of my faves this season. But the ease she displayed in those has been sorely missing from her live performances. The daughter of a pastor (who belongs to a church with “Victory” in the name, ironically) keeps pushing her fragile voice to squeaky places. Lacey used to coo, but nerves are making her squawk. And, as Ellen pointed out, the stylish redhead made the odd decision to plop down on the edge of the stage for the final section of “Ruby Tuesday,” just as the full band kicked in and the song got heavy. It’s commendable that Brown went with a string-quartet arrangement for this song (a song, by the way, that always makes me think of a salad bar), but her forced vocals made me long for an instrumental version. Sorry, Lacey, but Simon is right: You’re over-thinking to dangerous levels.

Andrew Garcia
Song: “Gimme Shelter”
Verdict: Pitchy Fingers
Andrew’s sweet father made a return appearance on the show. He’s still crying. His wife is still mute. But Tuesday, we found out Papa Garcia thought Andrew would grow up to be a custodian because he collected keys.

Unfortunately, his son never found the key to “Gimme Shelter.” Between his blustery delivery and uncomfortable mic-stand fondling (my Twitter follower LeeLeeMoss astutely said Andrew looked like he was delivering a coat/hat stand and didn’t know where to put it), Garcia’s performance was depressing, made all the more sad when Ellen blurted out, “What do I know? I think it was your best performance yet!” Good question, Ellen! (Better question: What are you doing on this show again?) At the very least, Andrew was finally likeable during his post-performance critiques (which, aside form Ellen, were not positive).

Katie Stevens
Song: “Wild Horses”
Verdict: To The Glue Factory!
And now an “Idol” multiple choice question: What was the most awkward thing about Katie Stevens’ segment?

A: Katie saying, “I have no other choice but to be old” when talking about the Rolling Stones songbook?
B: Katie switching into “Idol” coronation single language when explaining why she chose “Wild Horses”? (”It speaks to me in this moment. This is my time! This is what I really want to do!”)
C: The footage of Katie singing “From This Moment On” with her brother at a wedding?
D: The way producers over-lit Katie at the top of the performance, making her hair look stringy and gray, and backlighting every drop of spittle coming from her mouth? (That’s a way to age down a contestant: Special lighting effects to highlight white hair and drool!)
E: The fact that Katie picked a Rolling Stones song made famous again by the world’s most beloved memaw?

The answer is all of the above. And your prize is a map of the United States. You’ll notice that Connecticut is already on there, Miss Stevens. No need for you to “put it” there.

Tim Urban
Song: “Under My Thumb”
Verdict: Jamaican Me Angry
Tim Urban continued his reign of holy terror on “American Idol” by turning the Stones’ ode to sexual manipulation into a baffling reggae ditty sung by a guy so white he makes Scott MacIntyre look like Billy Dee Williams. Tim strummed his guitar for most of the song, but when he brought up his right hand to the microphone he showed America his freakishly long fingernails. Yes, I know, guitar players often keep their nails long for better plucking ability, but let’s be honest: Lindsey Buckingham he ain’t. The four judges all gave him variations on “WTF?” but my fave critique came from Kara, whose “Whether you like it or not, you made it your own” comment was like refusing to yell at a child for smearing feces all over the bathroom wall because the crap painting resembles a school house.

Siobhan Magnus
Song: “Paint It Black”
Verdict: Best of the Night
Is Siobhan Magnus the Eve to season eight’s Adam? On paper, maybe. In practice, hell no. Conceptually, I adored Siobhan’s drama-filled “Paint It Black,” which started as a Gothic waltz and built up to an octave jumping banshee-wail that’s quickly becoming her trademark, all the while showing off her epic Edward Gorey tattoo. But no matter how many times Kara invokes his name, Adam Lambert never delivered a vocal as sloppy as Siobhan did Tuesday. (If it weren’t for the perfectly tender note Magnus ended on, I’d argue her power-shriek almost ended up being Danny Gokey “Scream On” 2.0.)

At this point in the competition, Siobhan’s bum notes are practically irrelevant. More important: The Cape Cod girl is living up to her dark horse title by taking risks and demonstrating what kind of artist she will be in the real world. After this bold performance, I could see Siobhan clicking with fans of the Dresden Dolls or My Chemical Romance and getting a spot on next year’s Vans Warped Tour. Dressed in a black prom dress, Siobhan was the ultimate angsty theater geek. And like Adam, she knows how to bring the drama. Now she just needs to get her vocals in tip top shape.

Lee Dewyze
Song: “Beast of Burden”
Verdict: “Beast”? More Like “Critter”
Lee Dewyze’s parents had the most charming banter. They reminded me of a couple in the interview segments from “When Harry Met Sally.” I wish Lee had a quarter of their personality when he’s on screen.

When Dewyze is performing, his personality level increases ever-so-slightly, but he’s an aloof singer who equates growls with emotion. Still, his “Beast of Burden” was miles better than fellow cougar-bait Casey James, even if it’s disconcerting to see a guy transform into a lite-FM rocker at a remarkably fast pace. Kara called Lee’s retreat into Phil Collins territory “growth,” but I call it “safe.” And I’m curious to see whether Simon’s pep talk - where the cranky judge practically begged Lee to step up his game - will have any effect on the low-key Chicago boy next week.

Paige Miles
Song: “Honky Tonk Woman”
Verdict: Miles Better
In her pre-performance package, Paige told us that she began singing when she was cast in a Christmas play. But the editors showed a clip of Miles dressed in all black with goth hair and holding a scepter. Behind her was a goblin girl in pigtails and a blouse that featured bone epaulettes, buttons and a belt. It appears said Christmas show was “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Satanist.” Festive!

Paige had the decks stacked against her this week. Not only was she public enemy #1 for Katelyn Epperly and Lilly Scott fans, but Miles is also suffering from laryngitis, which prevented her from rehearsing the song (and speaking). It was inspiring, then, to watch the ailing singer hit some robust notes in “Honky Tonk Woman.” Less inspiring? Paige’s “Troop Beverly Hills” getup. Unlike Shelley Long’s Phyllis Nefler, Paige does not have a black belt in shopping.

I, for one, appreciated Paige’s fortitude and felt like she proved she belongs in the Top 12. But regardless of how she looked or sounded, Paige pulled a dead paraplegic father (and laryngitis) out of her hat this week. She’s safe!

Aaron Kelly
Song: “Angie”
Verdict: Tender Vittles
Aaron Kelly told us some facts about his family, I imagine, but the only thing I can remember is that the aunt who adopted him as her son is named Kelly Kelly. Kelly Kelly. It is now my life goal to get Kelly Kelly and Lisa Lisa to join forces and create a supergroup. I don’t even care that Kelly Kelly can’t sing. She could play tambourine or something.

Aaron crooned a surprisingly tender “Angie” and paid tribute to Keith Richards’ heroin phase by lumbering around stage with the energy of a zonked out junkie. (Look alive, kid!) I prefer Aaron’s soft voice to when he belts. Incidentally, his chest voice is starting to remind me of Cher’s. Anyone else? Okay, cut me some slack. Cher is a little nutso. But its nothing compared to Randy’s Justin Timberlake comparison. Say whaaaat?

Crystal Bowersox
Song: “You Can’t Always Get What You Want”
Verdict: The Bower Power Hour
I don’t care who I have to blackmail, threaten or kidnap, but I will hear Crystal Bowersox’s “Daddy” song and I will watch her perform it for her dad. Papa Bowersox got choked up recalling the ditty Crystal wrote for him when she was a teenager. (The lyrics were something along the lines of “Daddy I know you’re busy, you’re going to work all the time.” And the refrain is “Daddy, I love you.” Oh crap, even just typing those out is making me cry. Damn sensitive mustachioed fathers upstaging every single “Idol” contestant this season!)

Singing “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” with ease and comfort, Crystal emerged from backstage with a swagger every other contestant lacks. The set parted for her arrival, as if it were saying, “This is Crystal’s world, and you’re just living in it (and fighting for crumbs found in her dreadlocks).” (True story: Crystal attached a peacock feather to one of her dreads as a sign of respect for the fallen Lilly Scott. Does that mean she’s going to put mementos from each eliminated contestant in her hair like “America’s Next Top Model” judge Miss Jay? I would love to see her walk around with Casey James’ discarded shirt or Lacey Brown’s green fingernail woven into a dreadlock!)

Bowersox’s Rolling Stones song wasn’t as awesome as her previous two performances, but Crystal saved her finest performance for the judges’ critiques. She somehow talked back to Ellen, Kara and Simon without coming across as a brat. Bowersox admitted to “over-thinking” her performances, agreed with Simon that she was outshined by the “amazing” Siobhan Magnus, and she corrected Simon when he said she was acting like she had won the show already. “I haven’t thought that I got the competition at all, but thank you for saying that.” She’s like the only living creature that makes you want to Z-Snap and hug her simultaneously.

But what did you think of the performances? Were you blown away by the girl in the audience who had a hat with fake dreadlocks to support Crystal? Who had the cutest parents? Do you like Siobhan with or without her giant glasses? And did you notice how Fox framed out “Gossip Girl” star Jessica Sczhor when they showed “Glee” star Dianna Argron? Awkward! Leave a comment below and follow me on Twitter @jambajim for more “Idol” ramblings!

After a surprising first elimination round that saw the departure of a couple of early favorites (flaxen-tressed songbird Janell Wheeler and terrycloth-swathed retro-rocker Tyler Grady), “American Idol” fans were once again reminded last week that on this topsy-turvy show, no contestant is ever safe, and absolutely anything can happen. Sure, last week’s eliminations weren’t exactly Chris Daughtry/Michael Johns-level shockers, but they still threw viewers for a loop, and many grumpy pundits (myself included) griped that America had gotten it wrong.

So, did America get it right this week? For the most part, yes. But the night still ended in tears.

Thursday’s hour-long results show kicked off, ironically, with a group sing-along of the Black Eyed Peas’ “I’ve Got a Feeling.” I say “ironically” because the chorus, “I’ve got a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good, good night,” would soon prove completely untrue for four of these contestants, who’d ultimately be sent home on what would surely be one of the worst nights of their young lives. It was also ironic because after watching an amateurish, school-pageanty number like this, I not only had a feeling tonight was gonna be a bad night, but this season would be a bad season as well. (Why were the top 20 lip-synching again? “Idol” is a singing competition, right? It ain’t “Puttin’ On The Hits“!)

So anyway, after that debacle, Ryan Seacrest wasted no time in getting straight to the dream-crushing. So, which four contestants didn’t have a good, good night? They were…

John Park - This early favorite ruined his chances–not just on the show but probably with his crush, guest judge Shania Twain–by singing forgettable renditions of “God Bless the Child” and “Gravity,” both performances so phoned-in he ought to have landed an endorsement deal with Verizon or Boost Mobile by now. It’s a shame, since I liked the guy. But on the plus side, at least John’s old group Purple Haze “got their singer back” (as Simon Cowell so snidely predicted), and I got this ONE prediction right. But like Shania, I will miss John’s “beautiful bottom end,” and like Shania, I will keep him in my heart.

Jermaine Sellers - Just as Tyler Grady was only beginning to reach his full trainwreck-TV potential last week (wearing bathrobes to rehearsal, sassing back to the judges, etc.), Jermaine was just getting into his groove this week. And now, like Tyler, he is gone too soon. Sure, occasionally Jermaine’s cat-in-season screeching sounded like it belonged more on Animal Planet than Fox. But he wore onesies backstage (that’s even cooler than bathrobes–sorry, Tyler); he rocked bowties even more fabulously than that guy from Rachel Zoe’s reality show; and he had a date set to take that heathen Simon Cowell to church. Sigh. I’ll miss Jermaine–so much so that the next time I go to church, I’ll pray that television execs recruit him for a future season of “The Surreal Life” or “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!” This guy needs to be on TV. In a onesie, preferably.

Michelle Delamor - Michelle was not my favorite this season–not by a longshot. But on Wednesday she did a decent job transforming Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open” from a bowel-churning bloat-rock mess into a somewhat tolerable R&B/gospel ballad, and I think she deserved a little credit for that. After all, Michelle did EXACTLY what the judges have been incessantly demanding of this season’s contestants: She switched things up and got out of her comfort zone. But I guess voters just found her uncomfortable to listen to. Well, that’s what she gets for covering Creed, I suppose. Fingers crossed there’s no Creed Night this season, or everyone on this show will be screwed.

Haeley Vaughn - A teen dubbed “annoying” by Simon, by me, and, apparently, by the majority of America, Haeley still has a bright future ahead of her. Making headbands and other flowery hair accessories. Not in singing. On Wednesday Kara DioGuardi told Haeley she needed another year to work on her voice, but it’ll take more than 365 days for Haeley’s voice to get up to “Idol” standards, judging from her eardrum-liquefyingly awful final performance of Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb” Thursday night. Seriously, it was so bad that it made Miley’s limited vocal range sound like that of Maria Callas. I felt bad for Haeley–she seems like a sweet kid, and everyone broke into tears the instant her elimination was announced–but really, America made the right decision here. She ain’t ready, and she may never be.

But hey, at least last season’s Danny Gokey showed up to perform live and give this week’s crestfallen castoffs some hope. Danny traveled a rough road last year (he was famously widowed right before his audition, then he didn’t make it all the way to the finale as everyone had predicted). But his optimistically titled debut album, My Best Days Are Ahead of Me, just came out and debuted in the iTunes top 10. And with a Sugarland tour ahead of him, he’s sure to sell even more records throughout America’s heartland, despite his many personal and professional setbacks. Therefore Danny was in understandably in good spirits Thursday, rattling off one of his mile-a-minute motivational-speaker sermons while Ryan tried to get a word in edgewise and the “Idol” band members practically reached for their violins.

Let this week’s rejects look to Danny Gokey as proof that all is not lost when one loses on “Idol.” Or something like that.

So it’s really down to the wire now. Next week, four more singers will get the axe, and then we will finally have our Season 9 top 12–the ones who get to go on the Idols Live Tour, record tracks for the Season 9 compilation album, and star in those Ford promos week after week. (All the group-number lip-synching they’ve been doing lately ought to help them with that last task.) Who will end up in the final lucky dozen? Tune in next week and see for yourself.

Parker out.

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Has-been rocker Fred Durst is trying to drum up press for “The Education of Charlie Banks,” the film he directed which opens next week. Nobody wants to hear about his band Limp Dicket, or whatever they’re called, so he has to fall back on dragging up old news from back when he was still famous.

Back in 2003, Durst was asked to submit songs for Britney Spears’ next album. The always media hungry rocker used this opportunity to tell the world that he and the pop star were having a passionate affair. Problem was, Spears went on “TRL” and claimed she barely knew Durst and they certainly weren’t romantically involved.

The fauxffair was forgotten by practically everyone until Durst had something to promote, so now he’s on MTC News rehashing the whole thing—from his point of view, of course.

“It just became a fiasco of madness, [but] I always stay true to my heart and true to everything I did and my intentions, and I am in no way a liar.

“I look back on it as very interesting [in terms of] how things have been sort of unraveling for her since, [but] it is what it is. I can sleep at night knowing I made decisions that I wanted to make. [Still], I’m a supporter. I was then, I guess I am now.

“Her own decisions and different things in her life, people can judge her all they want, but she has an extreme presence and when she’s giving it, it’s really good. I don’t think you can really write her off and I just think it’d be silly for people to think that they could. Everything kind of works in cycles and I think she’s an example of how those things work.”

Yeah, those things work. She has a hit album and a major tour and you have an indie film that will probably tank.

Britney Spears has reportedly been forced to re-record her song, “If You Seek Amy” due to the threat of radio stations worrying about “that mom in the minivan with her eight-year-old”. Good grief, will this ever end?

She is editing the track, which includes the lyrics, “All of the boys and all the girls are beggin’ to If You Seek Amy”, to “If You See Amy”. Why ya gotta cater to these fools just to get your music heard?!?!?

WTF, right?

I like the song just the way it is and don’t believe in censorship. The uncensored version is going to do well in the dance clubs, though.

50 Cent owns a record label and clothing line, acts and writes books, and now he is adding film production to his multimedia empire — promoting his new venture this week at the Sundance Film Festival.

50 Cent, whose real name is Curtis Jackson, has launched Cheetah Vision, and he told Reuters at Sundance, the top U.S. independent film festival, that he was not concerned about starting a new business during the global financial crisis.

“I don’t think it will affect me as much as it will the other people that are out there because I’m not afraid to finance some of these things myself if I have to,” he said.

The rapper, who takes his name from a “stickup kid from Brooklyn,” was ranked No. 26 on Forbes 2008 list of top 100 richest celebrities with estimated earnings of about $150 million between June 2007 and June 2008.

50 Cent had a stake in Glaceau, which makes Vitaminwater, and the bulk of his earnings came from the sale of the company to Coca-Cola Co. Forbes estimates the rapper banked about $100 million after taxes from the deal.

He said Cheetah Vision had already bought eight scripts and among the first to be produced would be “The Dance,” starring himself and Nicolas Cage.

“(The script) was previously passed around a little bit but both me and Nicolas Cage had an interest in the film so it will still happen. He plays the founder of a boxing program, and I play a fighter who goes to state prison,” 50 Cent said.

“They are all different types of movies that I bought the rights to, and we’re developing projects. You will see different things from me in the future,” he said.

The rapper, who was a teenage drug dealer in the New York City borough of Queens, also makes his debut as a director this year, giving away his feature film, “Before I Self Destruct,” free with his latest album of the same name, which is due to be released in late March.

“It’s an opportunity to make sure my fans get to see my first piece,” he said of the film, which he also wrote and produced. “It actually allowed me to show cause and effect to some of the actions that I wrote about on the album.”

“Because I have three minutes to create a song its not enough time for me to give an explanation for a person doing these things. It’s just saying the action and not giving a description of the circumstances they are under,” he added.

The film, in which he also stars, tells the tale of an inner city youth whose mother is shot to death so he takes up a life of crime in order to support his younger brother.

While 50 Cent has sold more than 30 million albums worldwide, he also has picked up steady film roles since appearing in 2005’s semi-autobiographical “Get Rich or Die Tryin’,” also the title of his 2003 debut album.

Later this year, he will be seen in “Streets of Blood” with Val Kilmer and Sharon Stone, and he is also due to start filming “13″ with Mickey Rourke.

50 Cent, Robert De Niro and Al Pacino all starred in 2008’s “Righteous Kill,” and the rapper said he may work again with Robert De Niro.