Betty: But Gord, I don’t care about jewels, I just want to suck your cock.
Gord Brody: [playing the sausage organ] Daddy, would you like some sausage? Daddy, would you like some sausage?
Gord Brody: Hi. How are you?
Betty: I’d be a lot better if you’d smack my legs with this bamboo.
Gord Brody: I wanna eat chicken burgers.
Gord Brody: I’m gunna make you proud, Dad…
[starts driving away but brakes and honks as a senior citizen is about to cross]
Gord Brody: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
[continues driving]
Jim: Get out of the toilet!


Jim: Ohhhhh, look honey, our boy’s a genius! He’s rigged a pulley system so he can eat sausage and work on his stupid drawings.
Julie Brody: Gordie, sit down. We’re having roast beef.
Gord Brody: Why do you guys always have roast beef?
Jim: Boo-hoo. Little Lord Fauntleroy’s tummy hurts because there’s too much roast beef in it.
Gord Brody: It’s just boring.
[Opens bag, pulls out a chicken sandwich]
Gord Brody: I’m eating a chicken sandwich.
Jim: No, you’re not!
Gord Brody: This is crazy. I’m a 28-year-old man, I should be able to eat a chicken sandwich if I want.
Jim: He’s 28 years old and he can eat a chicken sandwich. Very Impressive. Mike Fitzgibbon’s son is a nuclear physicist, and my son can eat a chicken!
[Grabs chicken sandwich, throws it to the dogs]
Julie Brody: Jim, no!
Jim: You can either eat that goddamn roast beef, or you can go to bed.
[Gord leaves the room]
Gord Brody: You can’t hurt me, not with my cheese helmet!
Gord Brody: [Dressed in his father’s suit, back to front] I’m the backwards man, the backwards man, I can run back as fast as you can.
Gord Brody: There’s my La Baron. Where’s your La Baron?

“Unbelievable, huh, Snooks? It’s so hard to find a good man these days. That’s why I date women.” Dj Pauly D

“I understand where she’s coming from ’cause I just got hit in the face by a guy.” Snookie

“I necessarily didn’t want to bring back any zoo creatures whatsoever. These broads probably smelled the food at the house.” Mike “the Situation”

“Gym, tanning, laundry. You know, that’s how they, like, make the guidos.”G.T.L Vinny

“When we’re out on the battlefield, I’m like the first strike.” Mike “the Situation”

Jesse: Who’s Johnny Potsmoker?
Chester: Oh ,that’s my alter ego.
Jesse: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was MY alter ego.
Chester: No. Yours is Smokey McPot.
Jesse: Oh yeah.
Chinese Foooood Lady: And then?
Jesse: No “and then”!
Chinese Foooood Lady: And then!
Jesse: Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Chester: Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?
Jesse: No. No. You know what the feeling is? It’s love!
Chester: Is that what that is?


Jesse: Yeah, I’m in love with Wanda and you’re in love with Wilma.
Chester: Yeah!
Jesse: You see. Now that we know that we’ve been sucky boyfriends… we can change.
Chester: We can?
Jesse: Yeah! And you know what else? I’ll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.
Chester: And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?
Jesse: Yeah. I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna go down the impound lot and get the car…
Chester: …which has the gifts in it…
Jesse: …and then we’re gonna go over to the twins house and beg for them to take us back!
Chester: Yeah! Let’s do it!
Jesse: Oh, no, hold on. I gotta take a crap.
Chester: Told you.
Jesse: I know.
Chester: I know your body.
[Pierre has a deep French ascent]
Pierre: But luckily for you, I am an honorable man.
Mark: Excuse me, what was that?
Pierre: Honorable!
Mark: What?… Onergable?
[Pierre and Mark continue alternating, saying “Honorable” and “Onergable”]
Mark: I think you’re trying to say “honorable”!
Pierre: What do I have to do to shut you up? Do I have to hose you down again?
Mark: No, not the hose!
[pause]
Mark: Maybe later.
[Jeese and Chester come across an ostrich]
Jesse: Dude, it’s a llama!
[Chester refuses to leave a strip club]
Jesse: Dude, this is an *emergency*!
Chester: So is this. It’s a break-dancing stripper emergency!
Jesse: I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!
Jesse: Dude, where’s my car?
Chester: Where’s your car dude?
Jesse: DUDE, where’s my car?
Chester: Where’s your car dude?
Jesse: Have you seen my car?
Christie Boner: Yeah.
Jesse: You have?

Shooter McGavin: Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.
Virginia: What’s this I hear about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: What? I didn’t *break* it, I was just testing its durability, and then I *placed* it in the woods because it’s made of wood and I just thought he should be with his family.
Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we’re extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What’s that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.


Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back’s gonna hurt, ’cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else’s fingers hurt?… I didn’t think so.
Happy Gilmore: [voice over narration] During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.
Happy Gilmore: Looks like a slight hill. Whaddya think?
Otto: And a slant to the left.
Happy Gilmore: Nah, it looks that way cause you’ve only got one shoe on.
Grandma: How’s that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car. She’s dead.
Happy Gilmore: [to Virginia] Hey, my girlfriend is dead, you know. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.
Happy Gilmore: [to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch.
Happy Gilmore: I’ll make you a bet.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah. Alright, now, if you get that puck in that net over there, I’ll never bother you again. But if you miss, you got to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Virginia: Really?
Happy Gilmore: Good luck.
[Virginia shoots puck and scores]
Happy Gilmore: Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires.
Shooter McGavin: Just stay out of my way… or you’ll pay! LISTEN to what I say!
Happy Gilmore: Hey, why don’t I just go eat some hay, make things out of clay, lay by the bay? I just may! What’d ya say?
Chubbs: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn’t let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy Gilmore: Ah, I’m sorry. Because you’re black?
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator BIT my hand off!
[Shows Happy his wooden hand]
Happy Gilmore: OH MY GOD!
Chubbs: Yeah. tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just POPPED up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of that bastard’s eyes out though. Look at that.
[Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it]
Happy Gilmore: You’re pretty sick, Chubbs.
Happy Gilmore: [a limo passes by] Whoa, must be Burt Reynolds or somethin’.
[in slow motion, Happy hits a ball a great distance. Soon after, the ball bounces on a green and rolls into a hole. The crowd goes wild]
Happy Gilmore: [shouts] He shoots, he scores!
[Happy turns to Chubbs]
Happy Gilmore: Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.
Chubbs: Good plan.
[Chubbs chuckles as he pats Happy with his wooden hand. The two of them walk away]
Virginia: [to Shooter] Did you see that?
Shooter McGavin: Yes. Nice shot.
Virginia: He just got a Hole-in-One on a *par four*!
Shooter McGavin: I know. I just said I saw it.
Virginia: [laughs] Oh, I hope he *wins*. He’s a publicist’s *dream*. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball *that* far - oh, he could *really* draw a crowd.
[Virginia walks away smiling]
Shooter McGavin: [under his breath] You know what *else* could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.
[Shooter follows Virginia scowling]
Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep! Or I will PUT you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You’re in MY world now, grandma!
Announcer: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational. I guess it’s the new tour sensation Happy Gilmore who’s attracting all sorts of people to this beautiful course.
Happy Gilmore: [to Chubbs about Shooter] Hey, if I saw myself in clothes like that, I’d have to kick my own ass.
Happy Gilmore: I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!
Shooter McGavin: Well, I’d like to see you try.
Happy Gilmore: [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half] Let’s do it, then!
Shooter McGavin: I meant on a golf course!
Virginia: Hey! What’s going on here, huh?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there’s some of it and there’s some of it right there, too.
Virginia: Why don’t you just put it down?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, I know.
Shooter McGavin: You’re in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
Happy Gilmore: [laughing] You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter McGavin: [long pause] No!
Chubbs: It’s all in the hips. It’s all in the hips. It’s all in the hips. It’s all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore: Get off of me!
Chubbs: Just easin’ the tension, baby. Just easin’ the tension!
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.
Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there’s a problem: you’re not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you’re a lousy kindergarten teacher. I’ve seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.
Happy Gilmore: [to his golf ball] You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don’t you just go HOME? That’s your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS, BALL!
Crazy Old Lady: Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!
Happy Gilmore: Here, eat that and leave us alone!
Happy Gilmore: [to Shooter] Happy learned how to putt! Uh-oh!
Happy Gilmore: Where are you going with those clubs, punk?
[pushes young caddy to the ground]
Happy’s Waterbury Caddy: Mr. Gilmore, I’m your caddy!
Happy Gilmore: Oh, I’m sorry about that. Let me carry these, alright, they were my grandfather’s, they’re pretty old.
Happy’s Waterbury Caddy: Well, what should I do then?
Happy Gilmore: I don’t know. Why don’t you just watch me, and make sure I don’t do anything stupid. Okay?
Starter #1: Mr. Gilmore, Mr. Lafferty will be teeing off now.
Happy Gilmore: Alright, good luck, buddy.
Happy’s Waterbury Caddy: Get out the way.
[crowd laughs]
Happy Gilmore: [to caddy] Where were you on that one, dipshit?
Shooter McGavin: [to the spectators] Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.
Chubbs: Golf’s no different from Hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant. Probably a great golfer… huge ass.
Chubbs: Hey, I’ll bet your neighbor the accountant can’t drive the ball four hundred yards. I’ll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn’t have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
Happy Gilmore: And how would I do that?
Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you’re automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows? Maybe you’ll win the Tour Championship one day. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?
[Shooter McGavin has just hit the ball on Mr. Larson’s foot]
Mr. Larson: That’s two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter McGavin: Oh, you can count. Good for you.
Mr. Larson: And *you* can count, on *me*, waiting for *you* in the parking lot.
Happy Gilmore: That’s my puck, baby, don’t you ever touch my puck.
Shooter McGavin: [to Happy] Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball… if you can find it.
[Shooter has just purchased Happy’s Grandmothers house]
Happy Gilmore: What the hell is the matter with you?
Shooter McGavin: Well, Real Estate is a hobby of mine…
[Happy goes to hit McGavin]
Shooter McGavin: Ah ah. You lay another finger on me, I burn the house down and piss on the ashes.
Virginia: What the hell is going on here
Happy Gilmore: Erm… I was just looking for the other half of this bottle. Oh. There’s some… and some more.
[Happy Gilmore cheers and uses a golf club to do bull dance]
Gary Potter: [to his caddy] Doin’ the Bull Dance. Feelin’ the flow. Workin’ it. Workin’ it.
[the press is interviewing Shooter McGavin]
Shooter McGavin: I tell you, the real winner today is the city of Portland. Every time I come here it gets hard to leave. I bet you put something to the water.
[Shooter McGavin is holding a speech for other golf players]
Shooter McGavin: Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I’ve got to tell you, this guy spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff!
Happy Gilmore: [to the clown hole at the mini-golf course after it spits out his ball] You’re gonna die, clown!
[breaks its nose off with his golf club]
[an alligator eats Happy’s ball]
Happy Gilmore: That Son of a Bitch. Give me my ball, come on, pop it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I’m gonna… give the ball, alligator. Hey, you’ve got one eye, Chubbs. You took his hand.
Happy Gilmore: [to Chubbs] I’m stupid. You’re smart. I was wrong. You were right. You’re the best. I’m the worst. You’re very good-looking. I’m not attractive.
Donald: Hey Gilmore, you suck ya jackass.
Happy Gilmore: Why don’t you shut the hell up.
[during a fight with Bob Barker]
Happy Gilmore: Now you’re gonna get it Bobby.
Announcer: We haven’t seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
Bob Barker: I can’t believe you’re a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore: You better relax, Bob.
Bob Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy Gilmore: All right, let’s go.
[Happy punches Bob in the face. Bob grunts as he stumbles to the ground]
Happy Gilmore: [after punching Bob Barker to the ground] You like THAT old man? You want a piece of ME?
Bob Barker: [shakes his head as he get up from the ground] I don’t want a PIECE of you… I want the whole THING!
[Bob punches Happy in the stomach once then punches him in the face ten times. His tenth blow causes happy to fall into a small pond]
[Shooter has just stolen the jacket]
Mr. Larson: I believe that’s Mr. Gilmore’s.
Chubbs: Spoken like a true asshole.
Mover: I’ll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we’ll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.
Happy Gilmore: Give me the stupid club.
[approaches the ball on the tee]
Happy Gilmore: [judging the club] Look at this stupid thing.
Mover: This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he’s standing.
Happy Gilmore: [sarcastically] Yeah you like that?
[Happy hits the ball, hits the window to the house at the end of the street]
Mover: Holy shit.
Happy Gilmore: Go back to work.
Mover: That house is like four hundred yards away.
Happy Gilmore: Is that good?
Mover: That’s unbelieveable.
Mover: Beginner’s luck. Twenty bucks says you can’t do it again.
Happy Gilmore: Bring it on.
[Happy hits the ball in the same direction]
Distant neighbor: You boys are going to pay for that. Ow.
Mover: You hit that guy.
Happy Gilmore: He shouldn’t have been standing there.
Mover: One more time, double or nothing.
Happy Gilmore: You better pay up.
[Happy hits the ball, ball hits a woman on the roof of the same house, falls off]
Happy Gilmore: Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.
[to Bob Barker after Donald insults Happy]
Happy Gilmore: I’d love to punch that guy in the face right now. But I can’t, you know, because I’d get in trouble. I bet you get a lot of that on “Let’s Make A Deal.”
Bob Barker: It’s “The Price Is Right,” Happy.
Happy Gilmore: [grimaces in embarrassment] Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Bob Barker: It happens. Let’s play some golf.
Happy Gilmore: Okay.
[Happy Gilmore appears at a court hearing after having fought with Bob Barker]
Shooter McGavin: Hey, Happy Gilmore! Come on down!
Virginia: [stopping Happy from fighting Shooter] Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.
Happy Gilmore: That’s right, I’m gonna beat your ass on the course!
Shooter McGavin: Yeah, right. And Grizzly Adams had a beard.
Lee Trevino: Grizzly Adams *did* have a beard.
Donald: [to Happy] You’re gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you’re never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL… you jackass!
Donald: [to Happy] You will not make this putt… you jackass!
Happy Gilmore: [after missing a slap shot by far] Dammit! Is that goal regulation size or what? Sheesh!
Shooter McGavin: [after Happy putts for Waterbury victory, sort of disappointed] Oh, he’s gonna be on the tour that’s… that’s super.
[Happy does a funny victory “dance” with his caddy]
Shooter McGavin: That’s… that’s cute.
Donald: [to Shooter on the phone] Shooter! Great to hear from you! You wanna go to the Sizzler and get some grub?
Happy Gilmore: [to Shooter after hitting a longer drive] Somebody’s closer!
Virginia: [Happy has just been hit by a car] Happy! Happy are you okay?
Happy Gilmore: [groaning] Volkswagen!
Donald: [out of the window, driving the car] Jackass!
[after Happy finally sinks his putt after 7 tries]
Guy on Green: It’s about time!
Happy Gilmore: Yeah it is about time. I mean I just couldn’t get the ball in the hole. I *wanted* to but I just couldn’t do it.
[Happy rips off the guys shirt, and punches him in the stomach]
Happy Gilmore: That guy’s driving me crazy.
Bob Barker: You know what’s driving me crazy? You not getting the ball in the hole!
Happy Gilmore: Don’t push me, Bob. Now’s not the time!
Bob Barker: [to Happy after beating him up] Now, you’ve had enough… bitch.
Chinese Lady: [to Happy] Hey! You no want breakfast?
Virginia: I thought we were going to be just friends.
Happy Gilmore: What? Friends listen to “Endless Love” in the dark.
Chubbs: [Happy visits his happy place one last time, he sees Chubbs] Shut up, Happy. Don’t feel bad about me. I got my hand back, see?
[Chubbs plays and sings “We’ve Only Just Begun” on the piano]
Bob Barker: [about Happy] This guy sucks!
[Happy sinks an amazing putt]
Happy Gilmore: [to Shooter] Did that go in? I wasn’t watching, did it go in? I didn’t see it, could you tell me if it went in?
Happy Gilmore: You know that alligator that got your hand? Well I got his HEAD!
[first lines]
[opening narration voice over]
Happy Gilmore: My name is Happy Gilmore. Ever since I was old enough to skate, I loved hockey. I wasn’t really the greatest skater though. But that didn’t stop my dad from teaching me the secret of smacking his greatest slap shot.
[Young Happy, hits a hard plastic ball into his father’s forehead]
Mr. Larson: [after bending Shooter’s club and while he’s quickly walking away] Hey Shooter, haven’t you forgot your nine iron.
Donald: Good shooting soldier!
Doctor: Well, You’re a little banged up but no serious injury’s. Just keep off your feet for a few days.
Happy Gilmore: To Hell with that, I gotta finish up.
Doctor: Fine! Do whatever you like. What would I know, I’m just a Doctor.
Gary Potter: Harness in the good energy, block out the bad. Harness. Energy. Block. Bad. It’s like a carousel. You put the quarter in, you get on the horse, it goes up and down, and around. Circular, circle. Feel it. Go with the flow.
Happy Gilmore: Psycho.
Coach: Number 18, is that Gilmore again? How many times has this guy tried out, anyway?
Assistant Coach: At least ten times. Guy’s got alot of intensity.
Coach: Not a real strong skater, though.
Assistant Coach: Ain’t the best puck handler, either.
Coach: Yeah, but my god…
[Happy fires a shot, and it shatters the glass in front of the coaches]
Assistant Coach: What a shot.
Happy Gilmore: [to Shooter] It ain’t over, McGavin. The way I see it… we’ve only just begun.
Happy Gilmore: [speaking to shooter after making his first drive of the championship] Do you know what the pathetic thing is? You have been doing this your whole life.
[seeing Happy on TV]
Chubbs: What are you doing Happy? Riding a bull? You’re acting like a damn fool!
Nursing Home Orderly: I guess that alligator finally finished the job.
[a TV is broadcasting Happy’s tirade on the golf course]
Happy Gilmore: Piece of monkey shit!
Grandma: Who are you waving at, Happy?
Happy Gilmore: Nobody, Grandma. Let’s go home.
Announcer: Happy Gilmore is in big trouble, Jack. He’s lost the power to hit the long ball.
Bob Barker: How you doing, Happy? I’m Bob Barker.
Happy Gilmore: What an honor. How nice to meet you.
Bob Barker: Looks like you and I are going to be playing together today.
Happy Gilmore: [to Chubbs] A guy your size, why don’t you play a real sport, like football?
Chubbs: My Momma wouldn’t sign the permission slip. Said it might be a little too dangerous.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, good call.
Happy Gilmore: [to himself] Oh, God, that hurt a little, but I’m alright.
Happy Gilmore: [to the golfers] Step right up, folks. See if you can out drive the amazing Golf Ball, uh, Whacker Guy!
Happy Gilmore: [to Grandma] I’m telling you this place is perfect, you’re gonna make friends in no time.

Young William: What are they doin’?
Argyle Wallace: Saying goodbye in their own way. Playing outlawed tunes on outlawed pipes.
Robert’s Father: At last, you know what it means to hate. Now you’re ready to be a king.
Robert the Bruce: My hate will die with you.
Princess Isabelle: The king desires peace.
William Wallace: Longshanks desires peace?
Princess Isabelle: He declares it to me, I swear it. He proposes that you withdraw your attack. In return he grants you title, estates, and this chest of gold which I am to pay to you personally.


William Wallace: A lordship and titles. Gold. That I should become Judas?
Princess Isabelle: Peace is made in such ways.
William Wallace: Slaves are made in such ways. The last time Longshanks spoke of peace I was a boy. And many Scottish nobles, who would not be slaves, were lured by him under a flag of truce to a barn, where he had them hanged. I was very young, but I remember Longshanks’ notion of peace.
Robert the Bruce: Lands, titles, men, power, nothing.
Robert’s Father: Nothing?
Robert the Bruce: I have nothing. Men fight for me because if they do not, I throw them off my land and I starve their wives and their children. Those men who bled the ground red at Falkirk, they fought for William Wallace, and he fights for something that I never had. And I took it from him, when I betrayed him. I saw it in his face on the battlefield and it’s tearing me apart.
Robert’s Father: All men betray. All lose heart.
Robert the Bruce: I don’t wanna lose heart. I wanna believe as he does.
William Wallace: It’s all for nothing if you don’t have freedom.
William Wallace: Are you ready for a war?
Young William: I can fight.
Malcolm Wallace: I know. I know you can fight. But it’s our wits that make us men.
Robert the Bruce: [Robert the Bruce is visiting his leper father] Father?
Robert’s Father: Ah, come in. Come in.
Robert the Bruce: A rebellion has begun.
Robert’s Father: [pause] Under whom?
Robert the Bruce: A commoner… named William Wallace.
Robert’s Father: [another pause] You will embrace this rebellion. Support it from our lands in the north. I will gain English favor by condemning it and ordering opposed from our lands in the south. Sit down. Stay awhile.
Robert the Bruce: This Wallace… he doesn’t even have a knighthood. But he *fights*, with *passion*, and he *inspires*.
Robert’s Father: [laughing] And you wish to charge off and fight as he did, eh?
[Robert nods slightly]
Robert’s Father: So would I, eh?
[he laughs again]
Robert the Bruce: Well, maybe it’s time.
Robert’s Father: [the elder man stops laughing] It is time… to *survive*. You’re the seventeenth Robert Bruce. The sixteen before you passed you land and title because they *didn’t* charge in. Call a meeting of the nobles.
Robert the Bruce: But, they do nothing but talk.
Robert’s Father: Rightly so. They’re as rich in English titles and lands as they are in Scottish, just as we are. You admire this man, this William Wallace. Uncompromising men are easy to admire. He has courage; so does a dog. But it is exactly the ability to *compromise* that makes a man noble. And understand this: Edward Longshanks is the most ruthless king ever to sit on the throne of England. And none of us, and nothing of Scotland will remain, unless *we* are as ruthless. Give ear to our nobles. Knowing their minds is the key to the throne.
Hamish: Personal escort of the princess.
William Wallace: Aye.
Hamish: Musta made an impression.
William Wallace: Aye.
Hamish: I didn’t think you were in the tent that long.
William Wallace: There’s a difference between us. You think the people of this country exist to provide you with position. I think your position exists to provide those people with freedom. And I go to make sure that they have it.
Longshanks: Not the archers. My scouts tell me their archers are miles away and no threat to us. Arrows cost money. Use up the Irish. The dead cost nothing.
Murron: You’re going to teach me to read, then?
William Wallace: Aye, if you’d like.
Murron: Aye!
William Wallace: In what language?
Murron: Ah, you’re showing off now.
William Wallace: That’s right. Are you impressed yet?
Murron: No. Why? Should I be?
William Wallace: Oui. Parce que chaque jour j’ai pensé à toi.
[Yes. Because every single day I thought about you]
Murron: [hesitates, impressed despite herself, then smiles] Do that standing on your head and I’ll be impressed.
William Wallace: Well, my kilt will fly up, but I’ll try.
Stephen: The Almighty says this must be a fashionable fight. It’s drawn the finest people.
William Wallace: Lower your flags and march straight back to England, stopping at every home you pass by to beg forgiveness for a hundred years of theft, rape, and murder. Do that and your men shall live. Do it not, and every one of you will die today.
Robert the Bruce: You have bled with Wallace, now bleed with me.
Princess Isabelle: I understand you have suffered. I know… about your woman.
William Wallace: [pauses] She was my wife. We married in secret because I would not share her with an English lord. They killed her to get to me. I’ve never spoken of it, I don’t know why I tell you now, except… I see her strength in you. One day, you’ll be a queen. And you must open your eyes. You tell your king that William Wallace will *not* be ruled… and nor will any Scot while I live.
Princess Isabelle: The king will be dead in a month and his son is a weakling. Who do you think will rule this kingdom?
William Wallace: I came back home to raise crops, and God willing, a family. If I can live in peace, I will.
William Wallace: [to Mother MacClannough, who says he’s out of his mind to ride in the rain] Oh, it’s good Scottish weather, madam. The rain is falling straight down. Well, slightly to the side like.
William Wallace: Why do you help me?
Princess Isabelle: Because of the way you are looking at me now.
William Wallace: And if this is your army, why does it go?
Veteran: We didn’t come here to fight for them!
Young Soldier: Home! The English are too many!
William Wallace: Sons of Scotland! I am William Wallace.
Young Soldier: William Wallace is seven feet tall!
William Wallace: Yes, I’ve heard. Kills men by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he’d consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.
[Scottish army laughs]
William Wallace: I *am* William Wallace! And I see a whole army of my countrymen, here in defiance of tyranny. You’ve come to fight as free men… and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight?
Veteran: Fight? Against that? No! We will run. And we will live.
William Wallace: Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!