Paul Blart: [talking to himself] What are you trained to do? Nothing…

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[from trailer]
Paul Blart: Nobody knows this mall better than I do.

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[from trailer]
Paul Blart: Safety never takes a holiday.

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Paul Blart: [after showing a Loch Ness Monster tattoo on his lower back that he got while drunk] Yeah… I don’t drink.

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Veck Sims: When are you gonna give up, Blart?
Paul Blart: How about now? I’ll meet you on the corner of “NE” and “VER”!

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Veck Sims: It’s like my mother always said, if you want something done right, waste them yourself. I’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

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Paul Blart: This lemonade is insane!
Vijay: That’s because it’s a Margarita, Paul.

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Pahud: Peanut Blart and jelly! What, what, what’s up, man?

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Paul Blart: [Headbutts criminal] No one wins with a headbutt.

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Paul Blart: Scuba-dooby-doo!
[sends a scuba tank into a villain knocking him out]

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Maya Blart: [reading ad] Okay, next question. “Tell me about yourself.”
Paul Blart: Let’s see. I know a lot about sharks.
Mom: Let me stop you right there.

America found time to skip the 24-hour cable news frenzy over the inauguration to spend money on mindless comedy this weekend. Paul Blart: Mall Cop is the number one movie at the box office, raking in $31.8 million, which begs the question, “Are security guards at your local mall this entertaining to watch?” The mall cops at my mall just stand around and give teenagers in baggy pants the stinkeye when they linger too long near the DVDs.