Paramount Pictures’ “Drillbit Taylor,” a new comedy starring Owen Wilson as a bodyguard hired by several high school students to protect them from a psychopath in training, will have its opening Friday, March 21. How big this opening will be, it remains to be seen, as the movie seems to be nothing but a faint re-make of “Superbad,” one of the best comedies of last year (about three nerds humiliated en route to a party) and the 1980 middle-school fave “My Bodyquard.”

Produced by Judd Apatow and co-written by Seth Rogen (creative minds behind “Knocked Up” and “Superbad”), this high school comedy suggests that Apatow’s laughing machine may be breaking down.

As the movie opens, two teenage geeks are bracing themselves for their first day of high school. Wade (Nate Hartley) is a shy, skinny egghead, while his best friend Ryan (Troy Gentile) is a chubby, curly-haired smartmouth. They are fresh reminders of Michael Cera and Jonah Hill from “Superbad,” but with fewer penis jokes.

Of course their debut goes spectacularly badly: Wade and Ryan unwittingly wear the same dorky bowling shirt, then attract an annoying pint-size tagalong named Emmit (David Dorfman) and the wrath of sociopath school bully Filkins (Alex Frost).

Over the next week, Filkins stuffs the trio in lockers, soaks them in urine and evades prosecution by the school’s clueless principal (”Office Space’s” Stephen Root).

Out of desperation, the three unfortunate friends place an online add for a bodyguard and the best they can afford is an AWOL homeless soldier named Drillbit, played by Owen Wilson (“Meet the Parents,” “The Royal Tenenbaums,” “You, Me and Dupree,” A Night at the Museum,” The Life Aquatic,” “Zoolander” and “Wedding Crashers”).

Wilson’s character is a shiftless bum who camps in Santa Monica bushes, looking for some easy cash. And, he thinks he’s closer than ever to achieve his goal of skipping town and heading to Canada when meeting the three pals. He plays the good guy, but his real motive is to rob them and their parents.

Like so many contemporary comedies, “Drillbit Taylor’s” plot doesn’t make a lick of sense. For example, Los Angeles rich kids like Wade and Ryan would certainly not be attending public school, much less one in which the principal is so indifferent to the violence taking place right beneath his nose. Even more puzzling is the plot twist that has Drillbit entering the school and being confused for a substitute teacher — and then returning day after day, calling himself “Dr. Illbit,” and even beginning an affair with a randy English teacher named Lisa (Leslie Mann, who’s too good an actress to be taking parts that give her this little to do).

And as if this wasn’t bad enough, Steven Brill (Mr. Deeds) seems to have directed the show in a carefree mood: the scenes are crisp, and the action flows with uncomplicated ease.

One thing is positive about this “Drillbit Taylor”: Owen Wilson, as this is his first movie since suffering from depression last August and being hospitalized for a week after an apparent suicide attempt. However, not even an actor like Wilson can save this movie from drowning.

And still, “Drillbit Taylor” could be the best from a list of five movies all opening this weekend: “Shutter,” (a PG 13-rated movie about a newly married couple that discovers ghostly images in photographs developed after a tragic accident); “Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns”(also a PG-13 rated movie about a daughter meeting her late father’s family for the first time); “Snow Angels” (an R-rated drama that interweaves the life of a teen with that of his old baby-sitter, her husband and their daughter) and “Paranoid Park” (about a teenage skateboarder whose life begins to fray after he is involved in the accidental death of a security guard).

Drillbit Taylor: Comedy

Opens Friday, March 21

Directed By: Steven Brill

Written by: Seth Rogen and Kristofor Brown

Starring: Owen Wilson, Nate Hartley, Troy Gentile, Alex Frost, Josh Peck and David Dorfman

Running time: 102 minutes

Rated: PG13 (crude sexual references throughout, drug references, partial nudity, gleeful profanity, and bullying)

Parade.com received almost 2,000 answers to the survey. U.S. actor Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt was deemed the most shocking event with 60 percent of the vote, while Britney Spears custody battle over her two young sons only surprised 7 percent. Nearly 90 percent also voted Spears the “tabloid mom” who most needs a parenting class.

After stints in rehab, country singing star Keith Urban was deemed most likely to stay clean for the long haul with 55 percent of the vote, while singer Courtney Love was least likely with 2 percent. Of the celebrity jailbirds, Martha Stewart was voted most likely to stay out of the big house with 69 percent of the poll, while “Lost” star Michelle Rodriguez - who has just started 6-month jail term in Los Angeles for probation violation - only scored 1 percent.

And if you had to be stranded on an island with one person for a week, 29 percent would like that person to be comedian Stephen Colbert, 23 percent chose presidential candidate Democratic Sen. Hillary Clinton and 19 percent want her rival Democratic Sen. Barack Obama. President George W. Bush was the man of choice for 17 percent, while presidential candidate Republican Rudy Giuliani nabbed 12 percent of the vote. The full survey can be seen at http://www.parade.com/popculture/pop_culture_eoy_2007

Owen Wilson is reportedly seeking comfort in Jessica Simpson to get over his recent personal turmoil.

The Wedding Crashers star, who tried to commit suicide in August, was recently spotted on a date with Simpson.

The pair dined at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica on Oct 28, before retiring to Wilson’s Malibu home.

According to a source, the pair arrived separately but talked for more than an hour before leaving.

The source also claimed that there was some “serious flirting” going on between the two.

“He couldn’t keep his hands off her,” the New York Daily News quoted the source, as telling Star magazine.

The two Texans initially hit it off when they were in Austin on Oct. 16 to appear in a video with Willie Nelson.

If nothing else, MySpace’s “exclusive” Owen Wilson-Wes Anderson interview shed a little light on what it might be like to be a fly on the wall in the quirky duo’s writing room.

The longtime pals and frequent collaborators’ five-minute chat, posted Friday on the social networking site as part of its ongoing Artist on Artist feature, turned out to be nothing more than a tongue-in-cheek promo for their latest film, The Darjeeling Limited, which opened in wide release today.