The Chicago Bears released a pair of 2007 first-day draft picks Saturday when they made the final roster cut to 53 players.

Second-round draft pick Dan Bazuin, a defensive end from Central Michigan, and third-round pick Michael Okwo, a linebacker from Stanford, were cut.

Bazuin was the 30th pick last year but missed the season after injuring a knee during offseason workouts. Okwo went on injured reserve with a shoulder injury before the start of last season.

Wide receivers Mike Hass and Brandon Rideau, who spent most of last year on the practice squad and had impressed coaches in preseason games, were also released.

Fullback Lousaka Polite, a five-year veteran, and guard Anthony Oakley were the only players released after playing in more than one game last year.

Also cut were tight end Fontel Mines, punter Zacrey Atterberry, defensive end Ervin Baldwin, tackle Cody Balogh, defensive back Trey Brown, defensive end Joe Clermond, long snapper Thomas Gafford, linebacker Joey LaRoque, defensive end Nick Osborn, safety Leonard Peters, guards Ryan Poles and Chester Adams, running back P.J. Pope, guard Tyler Reed and tight end Marcus Stone.

Maybe receiver Chad Johnson can go by the name that his head coach hates.

The Cincinnati Bengals receiver has legally changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco in Broward County, Fla., a switch that became official this week, according to several media reports. Johnson, who lives in Miami, didn’t return a message left on his cell phone Friday night.

“It’s something I don’t think anyone has ever done before,” he told the team’s Web site. “Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I’m having fun.”

Two years ago, Johnson gave himself the moniker—a reference in Spanish to his No. 85—and put it on the back of his uniform before a game. Quarterback Carson Palmer ripped it off before the kickoff. After the season, coach Marvin Lewis—who dislikes Johnson’s attention-getting stunts—referred to the receiver as “Ocho Psycho.”

Bengals spokesman Jack Brennan said the Bengals had no comment on the matter.

Johnson has been a concern for the Bengals this season. He unsuccessfully lobbied for a trade in the offseason, threatening to sit out if he didn’t get his way. When the Bengals refused, he relented and showed up for minicamp, but complained that his right ankle was bothering him.

He had bone spurs removed from the ankle and was limited at the start of training camp. In the second preseason game, he landed awkwardly and temporarily dislocated his left shoulder. Johnson is wearing a harness and expects to play in the season opener against Baltimore

• Sir John Strange; Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
  – Tombstone in England
• I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours.
  – Vermont
• As the flowers are all made sweeter by the sunshine and the dew, So this old world is made brighter by the lives Of folks like you.
  – Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde)
• Here lies Lester Moore; Four slugs from a .44; No Les No More.
  – Tombstone Arizona
• John Brown is filling his last cavity.
  – Dentist’s Tombstone
• I told you that I was sick!
  – Georgia Cemetary, USA
• Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
  – Pennsylvania Tombstone, USA
• Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me.
  – Tombstone in England
• To follow you I’ll not consent, Until I know which way you went.
  – Written on the tombstone in reply to one above
• The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
  – England Tombstone
• Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God.
  – Massachusetts Tombstone
• Gone away, Owin’ more than he could pay.
  – England
• Alien tears will fill for him; Pity’s long-broken ern. For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn.
  • – Oscar Wilde’s Tombstone

1. Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
2. Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
3. Are you a tamale? ‘Cause you’re hot.
4. As she’s leaving….Hey aren’t you forgetting something? She: What? Me!
5. Ask a woman for the time. “10:30? So today is January 10,1999, at 10:30 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met you.”
6. Baby did you fart, ’cause you blow me away!
7. Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call fine print
8. Baby, somebody better call God, cuz he’s missing an angel!
9. Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
10. Baby, you’re so sweet, you put Hershey’s outta business.
11. Baby, you’re the next contestant in the game of love.
12. Can i get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?
13. Can I have directions? [”To where?”] To your heart.
14. Champaign can be tickly, and so can I.
15. (Close hand with nothing inside and give it to her) It’s my breath from when you took it away (open palm while saying this).
16. Coffee? Tea? Me?
17. Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged!
18. Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
19. Did you have Campbell’s soup today? (she answers yes/no) Because you’re lookin’ mmm… mmm… good!
20. Do you have room in your life for another friend?
21. Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?
22. Do you know karate? ‘Cause your body is really kickin’.
23. Does Levi’s pay you for wearing those and looking that good?
24. Does my breath smell okay?
25. Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you.
26. Don’t walk into that building — the sprinklers might go off!
27. Don’t you know me from somewhere?
28. Ever since I met you, you’ve lived in my heart without paying any rent.
29. Excuse me miss, I don’t mean to stare, but um I think you’re really Beautiful”
30. Excuse me miss… Do you have a cigarette? Actually, I don’t want one, I just wanted to start a conversation with you.
31. Excuse me miss? You dropped something back there? (As you look around you ask “where”) Over there! (Ask again: “What did I drop?”) He answers back: My jaw!
32. Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?
33. Excuse me, I don’t want you to think I’m ridiculous or anything, but you are the most gorgeous girl/guy I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell you.
34. Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
35. Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it’s just a sparkle.
36. Excuse me, I’d like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature.
37. Excuse me, I’m looking for a friend…do you want to be my friend?
38. Excuse me, is that your perfume that you are wearing?
39. Good evening. May a thorn sit down amongst the roses?
40. Good news, the test results are negative!
41. Got me? I’ll do your body good.
42. Grab them in the butt and ask, “Pardon me, is this seat taken?”
43. Great choice of clothes, they match the trim in the Jag
44. Guy: What’s your name? Girl: Danielle Guy: Oh… I thought it was Aphrodite.
45. Guy: Can i see your hand? (he draws a little river then a bunny on one side and says he can’t get to the other side because he will go glub glub glub.) Gal: What was the point of that? Guy : Just wanted an excuse to hold your hand.
46. Guy: Did I see u somewhere? Girl: No Guy: Then I must of seen you in my dreams! (works everytime)
47. I’ve seen till I gazed into your eyes
48. He: You look like my third wife. She: Oh, how many time have you been married? He: Twice.
49. Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
50. Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?
51. Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
52. Hey, come here often? You could, with me.
53. Hey, don’t frown - you’ll never know who might be falling in love with your smile.
54. Hey, don’t I know you? Yeah, you’re the girl/guy with the beautiful smile.
55. Hey, haven’t I seen you before? I remember, it was in my dreams!
56. Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good?
57. Hey, I lost my phone number … Can I have yours?
58. Hey, Laura! (Big hug). I haven’t seen you forEVER!! (huge kiss) Wow, you’ve really changed! (I’m not Laura) What? Oh my God, you even changed your name!
59. Hey, somebody farted. Let’s get out of here.
60. Hi, I’m a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
61. Hi, I’m Batman. Wanna see my batmobile?
62. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
63. Hi, my name’s Right…Mr. Right.
64. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
65. Hi. Are you cute?
66. Hi. Can I domesticate you?
67. Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
68. Hi. My name is {name}. I’m running for president in 2012. And I could sure use your vote. Here…write down your number and I’ll call you to discuss my platform.
69. I don’t know you, but I think I love you already.
70. I dropped a tear in the ocean, the day I find it is the day I’ll stop loving you.
71. I envy your lipstick.
72. I have a cat. She would really like to meet you.
73. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
74. I have only three months to live.
75. I must be a snowflake, ‘cuz I’ve fallen for you.
76. I must be in heaven because I’m standing next to you!
77. I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
78. I never thought that heaven would be so close to me”
79. I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.
80. I saw you, I had an asthma attack because you took my breath away!
81. I think I feel like Richard Gere - I’m standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
82. I think I must be dying because I’m looking at Heaven.
83. I think my medication is wearing off.
84. I think you’ve got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it’s just a sparkle.
85. I tried to find the perfect line to make you mine, sweetheart, but after searching all I could come up with was this look in my eyes and your hand in mine, and the words, will you be mine?
86. If a star fell for every time i thought of you, the sky would be empty.
87. If beauty were a grain of sand, you’d be a million beaches.
88. If beauty were sunlight, you’d shine from a million light-years away.
89. If beauty were time, you’d be an eternity.
90. If God made anything more pretty, I’m sure he’d keep it for himself.
91. If I could be anything I’d be a tear: Born in your eye, live on your cheek, and die at your lips.
92. If water were beauty you’d be the ocean.
93. If you know a person’s name: “Hi, [name].” How did you know my name? “Isn’t every beautiful girl named that?”
94. If you were a booger I’d pick you first.
95. If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable.
96. If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning”.
97. If you were a library book, I would check you out.
98. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.
99. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
100. If you were ice cream and I were hot chocolate I’d pour all my love onto you.
101. I’m addicted to yes, and I’m allergic to no. So what’s it gonna be?
102. I’m feeling kind of insecure right now. Could I have a hug?
103. I’m invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?
104. I’m looking for a friend…do you want to be my friend?
105. Is that baby oil on your forehead? Cause you shine like an angel.
106. Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I’ve been searching for!
107. Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?
108. Is your daddy a thief? [”No.”] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say “yes.”]
109. Is your name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get
110. It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us.
111. It must be dark outside. ‘Cause all the sunshine in the world is right here.
112. It’s always good for you to see me again.
113. It’s my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? [Is it really your birthday?]
114. No, but how about a kiss anyway?
115. It’s not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
116. I’ve been noticing you not noticing me.
117. I’ve gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.
118. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, “What are you doing?”, say “Checking to see if you were made in heaven.”
119. Man, you sure are bright girl! Were you raised by the stars?
120. Man: “Would you like to dance?” Woman:(looks at you up and down) “No thank you.” Man: “Sorry, you must’ve misunderstood me. I said: “you look fat in those pants!”
121. Man: excuse me did you just feel my ass? Girl: no you: why not?
122. Man:”Girl, you are so rude!” Girl:”How am I being rude?” Man:”Because you’re looking so fine and not telling me you’re name.”
123. Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only lovers will leave a footprint on your heart. And you my dear have left one great leap on mine!
124. May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
125. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
126. My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.
127. Nice to meet you, I’m (your name) and you are…gorgeous!
128. Oh my god, I thought I was gay… then I met you.
129. Oh no, I’m choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
130. Ok, I’m here, what do you want for your next wish?
131. Oooh, you’re lookin’ fine. Not in the good way, in the “you’ll do” way.
132. Please don’t go or else I will have to make a report to the cops….u stole my heart
133. Pull my finger.
134. Really like your peaches and I wanna shake your tree.
135. Say, didn’t we go to different schools together?
136. Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
137. Smile if you want me!.
138. So, are you going to give me your phone number, or am I going to have to stalk you?
139. That’s a nice watch [Thank you] Actually, that’s a nice dress. [Again, thank you] Come to think of it, everything is nice on you.
140. The only thing your eyes haven’t told me about you is your name.
141. There aren’t enough “O”’s in the word “smooth” to describe how smooth you are.
142. Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, “I’m not really this tall….I’m sitting on my wallet.”
143. (Walk over to her)”Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don’t talk about it.”
144. Walk up and say, “Yes?” “What?” “Oh, my friend told me that you wanted to make out with me because I’m the finest thing you have seen all night.”
145. Walk up to a guy/girl hold up a $100 (or more if you’re desperate) dollar bill and rip it in half in front of his/her face write your phone number on half of it and hand it to them. Then say, “how about you call me tomorrow and we’ll figure out a way to spend this money?”
146. Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there’s nothing else like you!
147. Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess(or prince) like you.
148. Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
149. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
150. What is your favorite color? (Answer) Mine too!
151. What is your first name? Hmm, that goes kinda well with my last name. (switch if female asking a male)
152. What sort of person are you looking? Wait- don’t tell me: medium height, blue eyes, etc…
153. What time do you have to be back in heaven?
154. What would you do if I kissed you right now?
155. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
156. What’s a nice girl like you doing talking to a loser like me?
157. What’s that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it’s not coming off!
158. What’s the name of your perfume? “Catch of the Day?”
159. What’s your sign?
160. When God made you, he was showing off.
161. When I look into your eyes, it is like a gateway into the world of which I want to be a part.
162. When I marry I wonder if God will be mad that I stole one of his angels.
163. When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor…so I’m going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
164. When you look into the mirror holding up a dozen roses, you see the 13 most beautiful things in the world
165. When’s our wedding date?
166. (While looking at stars) Baby, I didn’t see any stars in the sky tonight, the most heavenly body was sitting right next to me.
167. Who’s your daddy?
168. Why do you have to be so damn fine every single day? Can’t you take a break and let me concentrate on something else for a change?
169. Woman, I hate to see you go, but I LOVE watching you leave….
170. Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
171. You are a 9.9999. You’d be a perfect 10 if you were with me.
172. You are a beautiful girl, you have probably heard all the great pick up lines, so why dont’ you just tell me the ones that worked so we can get past all that….?”
173. You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
174. You are not a woman, you are an essence
175. You are so beautiful that I would marry your brother just to get into your family.
176. You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
177. You are so sweet…I’m getting a toothache just looking at you…
178. You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
179. You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
180. You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
181. You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You’re making the other women look really bad.
182. You look beautiful today, just like every other day.
183. You look just like my mother.
184. You look like a big glass of water and I sure am thirsty!
185. You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book … So what’s one more??
186. You look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!
187. You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
188. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
189. You must be going to hell cause it must be a sin to look that good.
190. You MUST have a nice personality.
191. You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!
192. You remind me of a pop tart. (Why?) You’re cool cause you’re hot!
193. You Say: Looks like we’re late.” She Says: “For what?” You Say: “For dinner.
194. Your choice this time, I’m buying.”
195. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.
196. Your dad must have been retarded, ‘cuz you are special.
197. Your daddy must be a terrorist, because baby- you da bomb!
198. Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes
199. Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
200. Your eyes have touched my soul
201. You’re hotter than a Bunsen burner set to full power!
202. You’re like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
203. You’re so hot you would make the devil sweat.
204. You’re ugly but you intrigue me.
205. You’ve been a bad girl/boy. Go to my room.
206. You’ve got to refer me to your plastic surgeon.

These funny conversations ‘allegedly’ took place between air traffic controllers, pilots and air crew around the world.

From E Haigh, Mar 2008 - I thought I’d let you know about a time when I was up in the air doing aeros (aerobatics) and turning back into circuit as one of my other friends was coming into land…

On contact with the runway the friend’s plane veered off to the left and crashed, narrowly avoiding a large very deep pond, just to the left of the runway on the taxi hold point. The pilot still managed to report: “Runway vacated…”

The airfield had a fit of the giggles, and happily although the plane was a very mangled write-off, no serious injury was sustained.

From DG, Feb 2008 - At the initial pilot training bases for the military, the landing pattern tends to get packed (sometimes up to 12-15 airplanes for one runway) and some of those planes are being flown by students solo (yes, a $4m piece of tax-payer money being hurled around a strip of concrete at speeds of 200 knots by a 23-year-old kid fresh out of college with less than 30 hours of flying experience). Anyway, I was sitting a watch in the controlling tower for the runway on a particularly busy day, when one of my buddies from my class, who was flying solo at the time, pipped in with a PIREP (pilot report) for the pattern:
Solo: “This is Solo 72, there is some turbulence at point initial.”
Controller: “Thanks for the warning.”
Some instructor also flying in the pattern: “It’s called wake turbulence.”
(The term ‘point initial’ refers to about 3 miles away from the runway, used for preparing landing alignment. The term ‘wake turbulence’ refers to air turbulence caused by other aircraft.)

From ‘an aircraft mechanic’, Jan 2008 - My instructer for My A&P (Airframe and Powerplant) training told a funny story from the 1980s… He had landed in Egypt to refuel the Gulfstream he was flying. On take-off he noticed a guard standing in what looked like a refrigator box. With the the guard behind him my instructer goosed the throtles - which sent the guard head over heels for about 20 yards…

From Rich, November 2007 (non-atc folk might want to read the technical explanation first) - This allegedly did happen although I wasn’t on duty during the shift, so I can’t verify it. An F-4 with a Colonel at the stick was entering the tower pattern at Osan AB, Korea, and wanted priority landing because of his rank and position. The tower controller was extremely busy recovering mission F-4s and OV-10s, not to mention the aircraft who were on final approach with approach control. The controller sequenced the F-4 and gave him a point at which to report. The pilot refused stating that, “It was his airport and he wanted to land,” (it wasn’t his airport as he would later learn from a 3-star and a 1-star). The control said “(acft call sign), since you can’t follow ATC instructions, hold 5 miles north of the airport. Maintain radio silence unless an emergency condition exists. Report approaching minimum fuel.” The reply from the aircraft was, “Roger Tower, we’re number 5 and will report a departure end break.” The controller didn’t escape the situation unscathed. He had to take a pretty severe chewing out, but there were no more problems like that. Especially when busy.

And another from Rich - This is one actually happened on my watch. Brand new trainee in the facility at a base in North Dakota. He is scanning the runway with binoculars and tells the local controller that he has a ‘dog’ on the runway. The local controller tells a B-52 on final, “Go around. Dog on runway.” I told the trainee that he might want to let me know what the breed of the dog was, since I had never seen a dog with antlers. The ‘dog’ was a 2000 lb, bull moose. This guy still takes flak over that one, even though he deserved a save for catching it before the rest of us did.

From Bob Andersen, November 2007 - In November 1996 I was in a Angel Flight Piper Cub going to Tampa International Airport. I was in there because I got a call from Tampa General Hospital that a heart would be ready for me. Angel Flight planes are volunteered free of charge to transplant recipients. The pilot called the tower and told them who we were. The ATC said we could not land because President Clinton was there and the secret service would not let us land. (This was just after his California fiasco with his 400 dollar haircut.) The pilot told the ATC that he would call the press and TV stations and let them know a heart recipient could not land because POTUS (President Of The United States) was there. I think they thought about the bad publicity and said that they would hold him up and let us land, and they would escort us to the hospital. However we felt that this was not a good idea because of the land traffic wanting to get a glimpse of Clinton, and we so we should use the General Airport instead. We did so, and I got to the airport and the hospital on time. As it turned out, the heart was not good, but I waited another few weeks and finally got a heart on Jan 7th. It was a great heart as you can see I am still alive almost 11 years after the operation. (My thanks to Bob Andersen - illustrating that persistence, determination, and adaptability can overcome the most daunting obstacles.)

From Dennis Rainwater, October 2007 - I have a (well, almost) personal ATC/Pilot conversation I thought I’d share with you. I was a weather guy in the USAF during the late 80s-early 90s, and while I was stationed at RAF Woodbridge in England I often hung out with a controller in the tower cab just above our office. This fellow shared a story with me that he claimed happened to him personally. I can’t vouch 100% for the authenticity of this tale, but the guy was generally believable… Also, a detail or two might be blurred by my own faulty memory over the past 15-20 years, but here it goes: My friend says he was training an ATC rookie - I think he said it was out at Nellis AFB. Anyway, one day this kid takes a call from an aircraft requesting clearance to FL 800 (80,000 feet)…

Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): “Okay, hotshot — if you think you can take her that high, GO FOR IT!!”
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: “Roger Control; now DESCENDING from 100,000 feet to FL 800….”

From Luke Wray, August 2007 - From NAS Fallon NV, last week: A recently qualified Clearance Delivery operator was working a moderately busy period when a Navy DC-9 called, requesting clearance back to NAS Jacksonville, FL. The controller responded back to the pilot that the flight plan was not in the system. The controller hammered away at the FDIO with no success. The next transmission to the DC-9 was: “VVJV…, clearance, Mam your flight plan is not in the system, would you like to go back to Jax VFR? The pilot responded (while laughing) “No thanks, we’ll file a flight plan..”

From Dr Hugh David, June 2007 - Some years ago I was checking the record of simulated air-ground communication in a Real-Time simulation at the Eurocontrol Experimental Centre. Towards the end of one simulation I came across the following:

French Simulator ‘Pilot’: “AF302 over NTM now.”
German Controller “AF302 Roger. Report names of stewardesses.”
FSP: “Claudette Colbert and Caroline Chose.”
GC: “Colbert I know, but who is Chose?”
FSP: “You must know her, she was Alan Delon’s third wife, between Truc and Nimporte!”
GC: “Ach, these French actors, they marry and unmarry, I cannot keep track!”
FSP: “Well, at least, the French actors, they marry VIMMEN!”
… (long pause) …
GC: “AF302 continue descent as planned.”

A story from a friend in BA. He was overflying Aden, and saw an Aeroflot freighter climbing out.
Heavily accented voice on frequency: “Hey, English, you used to have Aden?”
BA: “Yes, we did. Why?”
HAV: “Ve have had to overnight there, and you can have it back!”

Light aircraft pilot asked Heathrow for the current cloudbase over Bristol. London relayed the question to an Air France flight near Bristol and got the reply:

“Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom.”
Anonymous voice on frequency: “Vive le sport!”

Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: “We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks….”
Voice on frequency: “ACHTUNG SPITFEUR”

Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology… “You are entering my dark area”
USB: “WHOOPEE!”

Tower Controller: “BA356, proceed to stand 69″
BA: “Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?”

“Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?”
“By the time you land, sir, you will be number one.”

And (another) hoary old chestnut: QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was live:

“What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela”
Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.
Chorus of passengers “Hey, you forgot the beer!”

(Ack Dr Hugh David for the above)

From Brad White, June 2007 - One to share, from an uncle who was in the USAF until retiring several years ago. No other attribution unfortunately but here it is. A near miss occurred outside of Dulles International. The conversation went along these lines…

Pilot: “DAMN! That was close…”
IAD Tower: “Delta 560, what seems to be the problem?”
Pilot (catching his breath), “Near miss- was he ever close!”
IAD Tower: “Delta 560, how close was it?”
Pilot: “Well, I can tell you one thing, it was a white boy flying it.”

From Mitch Reilly, May 2007 - I was listening to the radio, doing a preflight at MSP and heard the following exchange… My co-pilot did not hear it and gave me a strange look when I was doubled-over laughing. ‘Northwest 605′ was a DC-9. ‘Flagship (Pinnacle) 5600′ was a CRJ. The exchange went like this…

Northwest 605: “Northwest 605 request taxi to the active MSP.”
Ground: “Northwest 605 taxi to runway **, follow the CRJ, you will be number two.”
Northwest 605: “Roger, we will follow the Smurf-Jet.”
Flagship 5600: “At least my airplane does not qualify for an AARP membership..”

(For those who don’t know, AARP is the American Association of Retired Persons, and CRJ stands for Canadair Regional Jet.)

From Andrew Walker, May 2007 - A friend of the family used to fly for US Air, and told us this tale of how one day his plane was one of many trying to land at a busy airport. One of the controllers came on and reported something happened to cause a further delay and that those planes in a holding pattern would need to stay there. Almost immediately, one of the pilots responded with, “Bullshit!” The controller then said something to the effect of, “Sir, the use of profane language is prohibited on this channel by FAA and FCC regulations. Please identify yourself.” After a moment, one of the pilots reported, “This is flight 123 and we are negative on the bullshit.” A moment after that, another flight reported in, “This is flight 456 and we are also negative on the bullshit.” One by one, each and every one of the flights reported in as being “negative on the bullshit.”

This from Tom Comeau, April 2007 - My brother is an air traffic controller, and has two favorite conversations he recounts. One of them I’m sure is a true story, because I was there when it happened; the other is completely consistent with his personality. The first was as a small General Aviation airport in the midwest. A student doing touch-and-go’s reported flying past some geese on his downwind leg. The controller responded with “Skipper 3846 Sierra cleared for the option break break attention all aircraft caution watertory migrafowl reported north of the airfield.” After a pause somebody responded “You mean, like, birds?” The controller, without hestitation, replied, “Yes sir!”

The second was at a commercial airport in Texas. The controller was trying to deliver a clearance that was mostly “cleared as filed” but with one change at the departure and arrival airport. After two incorrect readbacks, the frustrated controller blurted out “Okay, that’s enough tries for you. Let me talk to Beavis.” (Ack T Comeau)

A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5’s nose cargo doors opened, saying, “I’m going to eat you.” (Ack E Scharzmann)

A story from the late 1950’s Navy flight training at Corpus Christi, Texas. Instructors were known to party hard at night, even before a ‘hop’ the next morning. A common ‘cure’ was to put on the mask and breathe the pure oxygen while the trainee got the craft airborne. The SNJ training aircraft had a tandum cockpit with intercom for personal communication between the instructor and the trainee. These ‘private’ communications would be broadcast on air if the intercom switch were accidentally left open. One such morning following a heavy night for one particular instructor, not long after the flight was aloft, the following was heard over the air: “Boy, am I ever f…ed up this morning.” After a lengthy pause a young lady air traffic controller demanded: “Aircraft making that last transmission, please identify yourself.” There was an even lengthier pause, and then a voice said: “Lady, I’m not that f…ed up.” (Ack Mike)

In 1958, I was bouncing down the runway trying to land in a big cross-wind when the instructor said “I trust we will be landing soon, because my medical permit expires next Tuesday.” The same year, I was flying a Navy SNB (C-45) and the instructor began laughing as he read the squawk sheet from the previous flight. It said: “Order heater for co-pilot’s seat.” (Ack E Pisor)

The Stapleton runways were so close together that aircraft on parallel runways had to see each other and provide visual separation before Control could issue an approach clearance. Commonly when pilots were asked if had they had traffic in sight they would lazily respond with, “I see some lights,” which, frustratingly, did not meet requirements for approach clearance. One very busy night a particular crew would not report the traffic in sight. Finally the pilot said, “I see some lights over there.” The controller responded in a vexed tone, “Is there an aircraft attached to those lights?” Laughing, the pilot responded, “Why I do believe there is. Thanks we have the aircraft in sight.” For that crew at least, the point was made. (Ack P Davied)

United cargo jet (with female pilot): “This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy?
Oakland ARTCC controller: “I don’t know. I’ve never seen it.” (Earned him two weeks on the beach) (Ack ‘a former ATC’)

After being informed by a pilot cleared to land in Fayetteville that he now had two light aircraft cleared to land on opposite ends of the same runway, the controller paused and transmitted “Y’all be careful now.” (Ack ‘a former ATC’ - he says this is true, he heard the tape.)

One very stormy morning in BOS, many planes were lined up on taxiways waiting for departure. A female pilot made a successful landing on a crossing runway after visibly wrestling her Flying Tiger stretched DC-8 through turbulence and blustery snow squalls, fighting it right down to the runway. An anonymous voice: “But can you park it?” (Ack ‘a former ATC’)

A newly promoted Military Liaison Officer was standing the morning watch at Oakland ARTCC. His former controller team mates sent an assistant to the front desk, requesting permission from the new MLO to start the ‘wind tunnels’ at Moffett NAS (there weren’t any of course). Not wanting to appear ignorant, the MLO granted the request. After notifying the front desk a short time later that there were reports of severe to extreme turbulence in the vicinity of San Carlos, Palo Alto and San Jose airports, the controllers watched in glee as the rookie supervisor grabbed the ‘hot phone’ and bellowed to the watch supervisor at Moffett (and through the loudspeakers at every other ATC facility in Oakland’s area), “This is the Oakland Center Supervisor and I’m ordering you to immediately shut off that f…ing fan!” (Ack ‘a former ATC’)

A young, newly checked out local controller at Logan Airport granted the request of a Trans Portuguese “707″ to use non-active 15R (the longest runway) for departure and cleared the plane to “taxi into position and hold”. Seeing what he thought was a short pause coming in crossing operations, he told the crew to “Be ready and spool ‘em up!” The old “oil burner” sat on the runway with fire walled engines belching clouds of black smoke over nearby neighborhoods for many minutes. Only when the ground controller announced that airport fire apparatus was responding to a major fire in East Boston did anyone in the tower realize that the rookie (now stirring his newly poured coffee) had forgotten the plane and everything from Orient Heights to the Mystic River Bridge had disappeared in his exhaust. (Ack ‘a former ATC’)

A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, “Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?” (Ack A & M Martin)