Is it that time of year again? Wow, we’ve got to get hoppin’ on those New Year’s resolutions. We can just imagine that our fave dish celebs are resolving to not totally humiliate themselves again in their ever-desperate quest for attention. But before we ring in a new year of rehab, jail stints and hair don’ts, let’s look back at the most pointless celebrities of ‘07:
1. Britney Spears
• This was Britney’s year to shine like a greased pig. No one could have possibly scripted her magnificently terrible meltdown — her stupidity is her genius. She parties sans panties, shaves her head, breezes through a few hours in rehab, still drives without a license, stumbles bloatedly through her “comeback” performance at the VMAs, loses custody of her kids to some low-rent, wannabe rapper — way to go. She’s not only Pointless Emeritus, but she’s also worst mother of the year. New Year’s resolution: Don’t pull an Anna Nicole Smith.
2. KATIE HOLMES
• On the plus side, her marriage to Mr. Scientology Smiles put a halt to her movie career. Yeah, we said it — she’s a terrible actress. But now she’s even more famous, and for what? The only talent she seems to have is putting up with Tom Cruise. And her dwindling fan base keeps insisting there’s something more sinister than avarice and vanity at work in the TomKat marriage: “She’s being brainwashed!” “She’s a prisoner!” “Oh, look — she got a haircut!” If we hear one more word about Katie’s Posh-bob, we swear we’re going to start jumping on couches, too. All we can hope for is that TomKat star in a movie together, a la “Gigli,” and destroy both their acting careers in an atomic box-office bomb. New Year’s resolution: Tranquilizers for hubby. 3. PARIS HILTON
• The queen of tabloid sleaze dethroned. The spoiled heirhead proved she was all snark and no bite the way she blubbered for her mommy when they dragged her weeping and wailing back to jail after an unauthorized early release for a “medical condition.” Guess she came down with a terminal case of reality check. When she finally got out of jail, she vowed to become a better person and do charity work. Isn’t that funny, considering how Granddaddy Barron Hilton is giving 97 percent of his $2.3 billion estate to charity when he dies? Looks like the Platinum blonde may have to tighten her Gucci belt. New Year’s resolution: Collagen lip injections — she’ll be doing a lot of kissing up to granddaddy.
4. LINDSAY LOHAN
• LiLo, what happened? You had such a strong run for best train wreck, but you let Britney and Paris snatch it out of your expensively manicured claws. We loved the dazed mug shot, the pics of you passed out, drooling. Your movie, “I Know Who Killed Me” was so bad, it almost seemed intentional. Sure, your acting career went down faster than Jell-O shots, but look at you now — allegedly sober. Will you still walk the straight and narrow and be able to touch both fingers to your nose in 2008? Or, will you miss the tabloid limelight and beat a sloppy beeline back to a stripper pole, vodka in hand? New Year’s resolution: Ditch the AA-list for A-list.
5. HEIDI MONTAG
• Only one person in our office even knows who this person is — she’s one of the many bleach-blond bimbos yanked from the cesspool of wannabe starlets to be on one of those insipid MTV shows, “The Hills.” The rest of us who abstain from Moronic Television know her only from the gossip mags, where Heidi thrives as the shallowest of the shallow. Apparently, she looked at her 100-pound self in the mirror one day and wanted to cry. No, it wasn’t because of some profound revelation that her existence is a sham — she hated her nose and flat chest. So out she went to get some plastic self-esteem. Oh, how difficult it is to be a skinny, rich white girl starring in a TV series. We’re supposed to feel bad for her? What a lovely example she sets for young girls: being fake equals pretty. New Year’s resolution: Brain job.
6. VICTORIA BECKHAM
• Her husband, David, plays soccer. Well, unless he’s injured, which seems like most of the time. But what’s her excuse for fame? That ’90s travesty called Spice Girls? Yeah, we know the girls reunited for a few shows this year, probably because of Posh’s inexplicable resurgence in popularity. Personally, we believe it’s the Tom Cruise Factor. Victoria buddied up with TomKat and piggybacked on their spotlight juggernaut. But we Yanks weren’t so taken by the Beckhams as the Brits are. Posh’s coming-to-America reality show flopped, and now all she has is her hair. If Jennifer Aniston — originator of The Rachel — ends up getting The Posh, it’ll be like a sign of the apocalypse. New Year’s resolution: Get the reverse-Posh ‘do — a mullet.
7. CORPORATE-PRODUCED MUSIC
• Carrie Underwood, Chris “Daughtry” Daughtry, Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana … is this what has become of music? What happened to the bands, the singer-songwriters that lived, breathed and, occasionally, died for their muse? It’s like “American Idol,” once just a boil on our TVs, has mutated into a pox. Carrie is no more country than Loretta Lynn is pop. Miley Cyrus? We’re weaning our future music lovers on meaningless crap. We won’t even talk about Chris, who sounds like some opening act for the Clarks. Where are today’s Bob Dylans and Janis Joplins, our Jimi Hendrixes and Aretha Franklins? Let’s stop rewarding phonies. New Year’s resolution: Less B94, more YEP.
8. ANYONE ON MTV
• Tila Tequila, TRL, “My Sweet 16″ and all the other spoiled-brat shows suck brain cells out of young minds, replacing them with drivel so foul that you have a generation who believes “U.S. Americans” aren’t up on their geography because we don’t have maps. If MTV were a person, we would punch it right in its ugly mug. Music Television? Mindless Television for the feeble-minded. Time for radio to come back and kill the video star. New Year’s resolution: Pull the plug.
9. ANNA NICOLE
• She was alive for less than two months of ‘07, but Anna Nicole Smith dominated the tabloids. It was the celebrity death everyone saw coming, but drama queens Howard K. Stern and Larry “I’m the daddy” Birkhead turned her demise into a media circus. Way to go, jerks. We can only hope there are no more diaries, Playboy “memorial” pictorials or expose books lurking out there to further scavenge off her pathetic legacy of irresponsible idiocy. New Year’s resolution: Rest in peace. Finally.
10. JACKO
• Neither man nor woman … possibly not human. Band-Aids around his mouth, burkas for his kids, dressing like a woman — Jacko, you’re giving us the creeps. His public sightings are few but disturbing. New Year’s resolution: Just beat it.
Dishonorable mentions
• WATCH LIST: Jamie Lynn Spears — We know your mother is a stage mother from hell and your sister is insane, but pregnant at 16? It’s not like you couldn’t afford birth control. Or maybe you just really liked that “Juno” movie. We thought of you as the unspoiled Britney, but now you’re just another example of how to screw up your life and career. New Year’s resolution: Get out of the biz, kid. It eats Spearses like Skittles.
•BEST RECOVERY: Nicole Ritchie — Let’s face it. We were all waiting for the news to break that she succumbed to anorexia. It certainly wasn’t looking good for Paris’ “Simple Life” barnacle. But then she got knocked up, and while unexpected pregnancies typically have a reputation for ruining lives, this one saved hers. We’re still not sure about that boyfriend of hers, but he helped save her, even if it was by accident. We hope that after she has the baby, she wont’ re-adopt her starving-Ethiopian figure. New Year’s resolution: Eat.
Tags: Britney Spears, CORPORATE-PRODUCED MUSIC, HEIDI MONTAG, KATIE HOLMES, lindsay Lohan, Most Pointless Celebs of '07, paris hilton, pointless celebrities, VICTORIA BECKHAM
